June 1: Best Thing I Never Had

Today was not the best day ive had to say the least. After a year of trying to hold on to my relationship, it is officially over and it hurts like hell. I have had heartbreaks before but this pain is indescribable. I haven't eaten today and my world feels like it is bombing right in front of my face. Its funny because i felt this all coming last night, i felt it so hard i had to take sleeping pills just to get some sleep. We talked this morning briefly, i text him and told him how much i miss him and he text me back saying" I miss you too man, and i wish the best of luck out there". My heart at that moment slowed down. He and I have had our share problems throughout our year togther but it has never been anything that made me believe we didnt belong together. I have always felt what we shared was greater than the bullshit parts, and gave me more reason to try and stay and work the kinks out. But the problem with wanting to make things work is when one of the two has no interest in doing so. It has always been easy for him to let me go, and i should have saw pain coming just from that alone. So here i am now a year later, when just a year ago we were starting our journey of living togther for the summer. Its funny because had someone told me then that exactly a year from now we would be splitting for good, that i would be losing my bestfriend, i would have thought it was unreal. But on this day my heart wrenching in my chest is very much real. How do you fix your lips to say i love you, but walk away from your love? Maybe my perspective of love is a little cloudy because i would never have just givin up on him, but he did on me. I know that im only 21 and that i have so much more life to live, but i wanted to share my life with him. My highs, lows, success, disappointments i wanted him to be front row for it all, and i wanted to be front row for him. I consider him the best thing i never had because in reality , as i look back i never had the full him. he never quite gave me all of him as i gave myself to him. I would listen as he told me sories of his old relationships and how he was sooooo in love and gave everything. I would sit in amazement like woooow so when do i get to have all of you? I hear you talk about how you gave it to another from your past but when do i get to have it? I honestly wish i had got to meet him prior to his last relationship, because whatever that guy did to him ruined him for all other guys to come. I never really knew the real you