July 2: Trust Issues

The last few days have been really interesting. Though we are not back together, things somehow got better within the matter of a few days. We saw each other and things pretty much took a life of there own from there. He still loves me, which is shocking because i honestly didnt think that he did. Our conversation, our moment, that night was refreshing. I would like to question what we are doing at this pont, or what his feelings now are, however im kind of ok not completely knowing. Part of me is just trusting things to wrk out by the graces of God, but another part of me is really skeptical of him and his thoughts. Though im kind of on the edge with my thoughts i do want to give whatever may be happening with us a chance to naturally present itself to me, without me being impatient,or pushy. I have always been a firm believer in whats meant to be will be. And so far nothing with our relationship has ever been forced so i refuse to start rushing and forcing things now.The next few weeks will be interesting, and as always im praying for the best. I find it funny that alot of times we get so wrapped up in leading our own lives we turn a blind eye to those around us. I have been so consumed in my own heartbreak for the past month i failed to see my parents having problems within their own marriagew, and now they may be staring separation in the face. I never thought at the age of 21 i would have to see my parents doa split but i stand corrected. I pray that theymake it through this, because if you can't save a relationship after 25 years, what hope is there for anyone?

Goodbye Game

Im afraid to let go of him, but today i am loosening my grip and i have to set him free. The worst thought is starting over with someone new that i don't know or trust. This is a really crazy but i gotta let him go and do him, and i guess i have to heal my wounds on my own. I believe the worst part is over and now its time to get better and be ok with James again. For almost two years i have been a part of him, i have to now stand on my own two feet and start again. What hurts the most is that for now i still love him. I really wish that i didn't cause no part of me wants to anymore, and i don't feel like this kind of love is good for me anymore. I have yet to meet someone as amazing as he was but im pretty sure there will be another who captivates me in an entirely different way. This emotion that we call love can literally almost destroy you if you let it. I cant continue to let it manipulate my happiness i have to break free. Because now its becoming a constraint in my life, and its been one too many times i've come close to insanity behind it. I can't anymore, im only 21 but i seriously don't have anything left to give another being at this point in my life. I have given sooooo much, all because love mesmerizes me. I don't know when i will ever fall in love again, or if it is comming soon but i honestly don't care. I care too much as it is, i have to turn my back on love for a while, because at some point it always does to me. Goodbye love, im checking out for a while. See you later, maybe?

June 10: Stupid In love

So its been a week since my last post and nothing has changed.I really thought if i stopped talking about it, and slow down the worrying, it all would come together but it didnt. I have spent the last week trying my hardest to make him understand and i get absolutely nothing. Stupid in Love? yes i am, especially to think the more i tried the harder it would be for him to resist. This may work with some men, but i should have considered the source in this situation. I love him but that love has given birth to hate within this last week because he just dosent care about my feelings at all.So here i am today gonna let go of any hope and faith i had for us. I cant keep abusing myself with thoughts of the future, and memories. Its crazy because i consitantly pray and ask God to remove me from this situation or make it better, and nothing has happened at all. That in itself is frustrating, especially when you feel you are giving it your all. Aside from this pathetic ass relationship i have yet to find a job. I apply almost everyday and absolutely nothing has turned out from it sooooo, i guess this is just one of those phases in my life where everything falls apart to come back together at some point. I just really wish it would all come together soon because i seriously am almost filled to compacity with disappointment

June 4: Gotta Go (Gotta Leave)

He didn't want to work it out. We talked that night a as expected nothing changed or got accomplished. He claims that too much has happened to try to rebuild us and all this other bullshit. Im really hurt and no matter how ok i try to be my heart won't sit still. WHat gets me is that he knows he is hurting me but its like at the same time he really dosent care. How can this be the man i fell in love with? But last night i came to the striking conclusion that if you want to go then go ahead. I don't own you, there are no obligations we have to each other binding us together so go. He needs to see how life is without me, hurt like i do. But most importantly see how much of a shit i gave about you, and how much of a shit other guys don't. Other guys are not gonna put up with his shit the way i did. He may find someone who comes close but never like me. If one day i look up and he back in my life then maybe it was mean to be but i have to et him go do what he thinks he needs to do right now. My mind has in a way let go but my heart is putting up a fight and at moments i feel i can't take it. This love thing is a terrible, lovely, painful, life changing experience.

June 2: Moving Mountains

Today was not really any better than any other day of this dark week.I woke up, moped around, cried, prayed, and then found time to breathe at some point. After much deliberation all day i decided to reach out to him one more time before i just said fuck this relationship and im moving on. So i text him saying my last words in hopes that he would wake up at the site of my greif and frustration. The text read " I have given the seperation an honest effort out of respect for you, but what im still trying to figure out is what part of this is good for us? I don't understand how you are capable of just letting me go, because i feel like im fuckin losin it. Ntn that has happened between us has blurred my vision on who you are. Thats why i have been able to forgive and let go because i know the man you are past any flaw you may have. All i wanted was for you to try to do the same in regards to me, before we let go forever. I know that you said what you had to say but imma say what i need to say, and thats that i love you inside out, and i will ride for you until the end, but you have to trust me. Let the past shit go, this is us now, not us then. Think about what im saying because after this im honestly out of words. I want you but if you're over me i have no choice but to go." this honestly is going to have to be my last attempt at reaching him, because im am driving myself crazy for love. He text me back and told me he would call me tonight. i don't know what he will say or how he will feel, or if anything will get accomplished out of that text and that scares me. I feel really pathetic for some reason because it kinda makes me feel like i am begging and pleading without the actual words please. I really did throw my pride to the wind today doing this, so i really hope he dosent take my pride and step on it. However if after talking to him tonight and he still decides this is not what he wants, i let it alll go and move on as best as possible. Yes it will still hurt beyond description, but that pain will subside one day and someone else will get a chance. This process is like moving mountains. im so drained. But if i get him in the end it all was worth every struggle and tear.

June 1: Best Thing I Never Had

Today was not the best day ive had to say the least. After a year of trying to hold on to my relationship, it is officially over and it hurts like hell. I have had heartbreaks before but this pain is indescribable. I haven't eaten today and my world feels like it is bombing right in front of my face. Its funny because i felt this all coming last night, i felt it so hard i had to take sleeping pills just to get some sleep. We talked this morning briefly, i text him and told him how much i miss him and he text me back saying" I miss you too man, and i wish the best of luck out there". My heart at that moment slowed down. He and I have had our share problems throughout our year togther but it has never been anything that made me believe we didnt belong together. I have always felt what we shared was greater than the bullshit parts, and gave me more reason to try and stay and work the kinks out. But the problem with wanting to make things work is when one of the two has no interest in doing so. It has always been easy for him to let me go, and i should have saw pain coming just from that alone. So here i am now a year later, when just a year ago we were starting our journey of living togther for the summer. Its funny because had someone told me then that exactly a year from now we would be splitting for good, that i would be losing my bestfriend, i would have thought it was unreal. But on this day my heart wrenching in my chest is very much real. How do you fix your lips to say i love you, but walk away from your love? Maybe my perspective of love is a little cloudy because i would never have just givin up on him, but he did on me. I know that im only 21 and that i have so much more life to live, but i wanted to share my life with him. My highs, lows, success, disappointments i wanted him to be front row for it all, and i wanted to be front row for him. I consider him the best thing i never had because in reality , as i look back i never had the full him. he never quite gave me all of him as i gave myself to him. I would listen as he told me sories of his old relationships and how he was sooooo in love and gave everything. I would sit in amazement like woooow so when do i get to have all of you? I hear you talk about how you gave it to another from your past but when do i get to have it? I honestly wish i had got to meet him prior to his last relationship, because whatever that guy did to him ruined him for all other guys to come. I never really knew the real you

May 31: JE Heartbreak

In a relationship when is enough, enough. After how long do you pack up your life and move the fuck on from the disappointments, tolerance, and disrespect. I ask this question because it has become clear to me that i struggle doing exactly that. I never know when to leave a bad situation and find myself all over again. Its either that or i have a fear of starting all over, so i stay with what i know no matter how bad it hurts. I have no final answer right now, but i do know i am killing myself for a guy that no longer wants to love me the way i need to be loved. Im not gonna go into the deep pitty party i could have but the feeling of being in love alone really sucks. I know he is seeing someone else, but i keep on pushing, and jumping up and down to be noticed. I know i love him, but is love really that deep? Showing complete disregard to my pride i continuously try to win him over when he dosent deserve any of my effort, nor does he put forth anymore. I really have been disturbed by our relationship lately and it makes me extremely sad. I keep praying, hoping, and waiting for him to have this epiphany and show me he wants me to stay but i am seriously torturing myself. I wish that i could make him feel my love, just understand what you mean to me. But thats even more effort that i no longer have, im tired of trying give what i dont have. I have to let him go but i seriously have no idea how